


Worst Cooks of Bottlenose Cove: Earl Edition

by jellyfishdeluxe



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Bad Cooking, Fluff, if john werent an unholy abomination he'd probably be dead right about now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 12:07:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12132165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellyfishdeluxe/pseuds/jellyfishdeluxe
Summary: John decides, against the better judgement of people who have lived with Merle for over a century, to try some of his favorite dwarf's home cooking. It goes about as well as you'd expect





	Worst Cooks of Bottlenose Cove: Earl Edition

**Author's Note:**

> this was gonna be like 1.5k tops. i typed 90% of this out on my phone. my hands are dying
> 
> come yell with me about johnchurch at my taz tumblr sideblog, @transmerle!
> 
> (also if you see any spelling errors please lemme know!!)

The matter of Merle's cooking had arisen from a throwaway comment from Taako, something about the dwarf being banned from his restaurant's kitchen as soon as it was made due to Merle's "track record", as he puts it.

The four of them- John, Merle, and his friends Taako and Magnus- were enjoying a pleasant afternoon at Merle's home. John sat reclined on the couch with Merle leaning against his side, the two visitors delegated to a pair of kitchen chairs Merle had dragged out. The trio of friends went on at length about accounts of Merle's misadventures in various cooking areas, John watching in amusement as Taako and Magnus pulled various faces of disgust while recalling eating his dishes. He figured they were being overdramatic, and Merle voiced similar dissent, insisting that it wasn't that bad. Taako seemed to disagree.

“I almost died because you decided it’d be a fun idea to mix chili powder and garlic. In cupcakes. That you burned.” 

“You didn’t almost die,” Merle grumbled. “Sure, you got a little sick. S’not my fault you couldn’t handle the blend of flavors from my signature dessert.”

Magnus frowned. “I thought your ‘signature dessert’ had something to do with ketchup and pancakes.”

“No, Maggy, that’s just what I like for breakfast.”

“Then why d’you always eat it at night?”

“I get night munchies!”

“You are the fucking worst,” Taako groaned, face in hands.

John closed his eyes, staying quiet during the exchange, thinking. None of these dishes sounded particularly… bad, if he was honest. Sure, that might be because the majority of his humanity was boiled out of him from living in the hunger for so long. He hadn’t actually eaten food for millennia, and didn’t need it once he was ripped from the hunger. The moment he did actually eat something (a candybar from a fantasy gas station while waiting for Merle, if he recalled correctly), it was a decidedly different experience than what he remembered before becoming the abomination. Most prominent was that taste didn’t… seem to matter anymore.

Not to say that he couldn’t taste, that is. He tasted alright, though comparing it to older memories and experiences, he wouldn’t be surprised if his taste buds had dulled a little. No, the issue was it just… tasted. John hadn’t been the biggest fan of chocolate back on his homeworld, he knew that much, but that had elicited a response of revulsion or, at least, distaste. Now he was completely neutral, and the lack of any hunger or need to eat left food as a whole in a very odd place for him. 

Perhaps he just needed to experiment. 

“You know, Merle… I wouldn’t mind trying your cooking.”

The room quieted down. 

John waited a few seconds for… well, anything. Cries of protest, noises of disgust, Merle’s ringing laugh, something. When it was clear he wasn't going to get a response, he reluctantly opened his eyes and turned his head to get a look at the others.

John was met with a smile of pure delight and excitement from the dwarf by his side, and two identical looks of utter horror a few feet away. 

Merle’s ‘really?’ came out the exact same time as Taako’s ‘oh FUCK no’.

He decided to direct his attention towards Merle. “Yes, really.” Quickly checking the time on his pocket watch, he added, “Maybe you could make some lunch?” 

Barely had he finished his sentence when Merle jumped up from the couch and raced into the kitchen, followed immediately by a very pissed looking elf. John and Magnus sat in relative silence as pots and pans crashed in the other room, obscenities and the distinct sound of Merle's laughter echoing as background noise. To their credit, John wasn't particularly worried about his significant other, and Magnus appeared indifferent enough that he guessed this happened a lot. 

Magnus cleared his throat, gaining John's attention as he was about to put his watch away.

“...So. Pocket watch? Really?”

John frowned, mildly indignant at the tone of the question. “Why, do you have a problem with them?”

“I dunno, it just… seems a little old fashioned.”

A loud shout rang from the kitchen. He noted the sound of plates clattering. “Well, I consider them stylish no matter the time period.” Running water started up, followed by something sizzling on a burner. “Granted, considering that, both including and disregarding the hunger and its existence, I am most definitely older than you, I believe I'm allowed to be a little...‘old fashioned’, wouldn't you say?”

The younger human raised his hands acceptance. “Ok, fine, fine.”

Silence, again, ignoring the background noise starting to slow down in the other room.

“...It does look kinda cool,” Magnus conceded, glancing over the smooth monochrome design.

John smiled, idly clicking the watch open and shut a few times before putting it away. He was definitely not showing off. Definitely. “Thank you, it's a personal favorite of mine.”

A moment later, and the commotion in the other room had finally quieted down, and a noticeably unhappy Taako stomped into the room, grumbling under his breath. The elf turned and gave John a look that he pinned on some confusing border between hatred and pity.

“You know, if you wanna try risking death, fine, that's your shit you gotta work out, but how about doing it in a way that isn't going to kill us along with you.”

John hummed. “If I recall, I never said you had to try it along with me. You seemed to have already gone down that road.”

Taako flopped into his chair with a groan, sinking into it at a somewhat uncomfortable-looking angle. “Are you kidding? Even if we can avoid eating any of it- which is hard as dick because making Merle actually upset is like a crime against god- the smell alone’ll suffocate us.” He huffed and sat up a bit, adjusting his hat. “And as much as I love Kravitz, I really don't wanna have to tell him I kicked the bucket because Merle's boyfriend wanted to tempt fate again. Or god forbid, tell Lup that.”

“What about, uh…” Damn, what was the other one's name? They all kind of blur together after Merle. “Larry?”

“Barry,” Magnus provided helpfully.

Taako scoffs. “Barry’s a loser, I'm not worried about him. You, however,” Taako pointed a finger at John, “I am. Do you have a death wish or something?”

Alright, this was getting a little annoying. “Forgive me if I wanted to try some of my significant other’s cooking. You're acting like it's a crime.”

“It is.”

“It can't be that bad.”

“It is.”

“John,” Magnus interjected, “You heard the dishes Merle makes. They taste like shit but they also, conceptually, sound like shit. Why would you ever want to try them?”

John paused. “...Well, they really don't sound that bad. I'd eaten worse before, back on my own world.” It was true- lots of adolescent dares mixed with his own curiosity. 

The two stared at him in disbelief.

John laughed nervously. “I, uh, have an iron stomach?”

“You're not fucking human,” Taako corrected.

“...Guilty as charged?”

Taako covered his face with his hands, taking a deep breath before looking back up at him. “Ok, fuck it, I'll take your word. If only because seeing you throwing up on the floor will be cathartic as hell.” With a pause, he straightens out his outfit, which had crumpled in his awkward chair-sitting position. “Let’s make a deal. If you aren't bullshitting me, and you actually can eat just one bite of Merle's cooking without gagging, I'll eat my cool as shit hat.”

That… wasn't a mental image he wanted to see become reality, if he was honest. “Or you could, you know, give me money? Something I could actually use in my day-to-day?” 

The elf waved his hand dismissively. “No way. The fact I'm even offering is a miracle in and of itself.” He sat up to his full height, adjusting his hat and staring John dead in the eyes. “So, you chickening out or what?”

John pauses, pretends to deliberate and really weigh the consequences, but his mind had been made up the moment Taako and Magnus had started bemoaning Merle’s cuisine in the first place. Not only would winning this get him bragging rights over the two and possibly their whole friend group, John reasoned, but also further adoration from Merle, who would likely be delighted that someone really did enjoy his food. Merle, overjoyed at John liking his food, rubbing it in the faces of his friends, giving John a grateful kiss- yeah, he was absolutely doing this. John could feel himself smiling already, with maybe a hint of premature smugness mixed in.

“If I eat the whole thing, will you eat your shoes, too?” 

The elf rolled his eyes. “No way in hell, pal.”

The deal made, the three sat in relative quiet, whatever hell being brewed in the kitchen making up the background noise once more. Taako and Magnus were chatting mostly by themselves, leaving John to his own thoughts until, slowly, the clatter in the other room died down, an odd smell starting to waft through into their sitting area. 

Taako and Magnus, eyes widening in recognition of the smell, immediately hopped up from their chairs, and proceeded to almost comically backtrack the rest of the length of the room. They only stopped once their backs hit the far wall, at which point they stumbled to the closest window and Taako flung it open, the two gasping for air. 

John was sure of his chances now. The smell was odd, sure, but he remained decidedly neutral towards it- and for this, from all the fanfare of how disgusting it was supposed to be, he felt a small amount of pride. 

A few moments passed, and Merle finally stepped out into the doorway. He still looked as excited as he did when John had first suggested Merle cook something for him, clearly undeterred by whatever Taako was yelling at him when they were wrestling in the other room. His hair was maybe more mussed, and there were a few new burn marks on his hands. His clothes were overlaid with a stained apron that read ‘CAUTION: Extremely Hot’ in a horrific cursive, neon pink font over a red background, and in his hands was a plate topped with… food?

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Merle called out, happiness evident in his voice, as he strutted over to the couch. “Taako kept trying to take away my frying pan, so I was trying to let the shell cook a little longer to compensate.” Pushing some papers aside, the dwarf set the plate on the coffee table in front of John, kissing him on the cheek and lowering his voice down to a murmur. “Enjoy, babe.”

With that, Merle made his way over to lean against the wall near the kitchen entrance. Far enough to not be imposing, but close enough that he could watch. That left just John and his dish.

Which… what… was it, exactly?

The body of the dish was a hard brown outer shell, made of something John didn’t recognize, with saltine crackers and tortilla chips lining it. A tomato-smelling juice seeped from under the shell, turning most of the chips and crackers soggy. Leaning in to inspect it closer, he could make out other scents, like paprika and cinnamon.

It didn't match anything John had ever had before, or anything he remembered from the planes he’d devoured. Maybe it was a remix if something from this plane?

John glanced over at Taako and Magnus’ faces. No, looks like it's not.

Alright, focus. He turned back to the plate and hesitantly picked up one of the more intact chips, experimentally poking the brown shell. It crumbled under the minor force, revealing a mixture of red and white pastes, their textures too different to mix fully. From the leftover seeds and juice still running across the plate, John assumed the red was tomato, but the white was a mystery to him. The paste was filled with blueberries and chopped up chunks of garlic, and it was topped with an assload of different seasonings that John couldn't even begin to parse. They seemed to make up the main body of the smell that had come through before.

Ok, no big deal. Conflicting flavors can be bold when done right. And in John's case they were always done at least mediocre. He took the chip and scooped up a little bit of the mixed paste, getting a blueberry and a large amount of the seasoning in the process.

Closing his eyes, he took a bite.

…

Oh, god.

His body reacted before his brain had a chance to catch up. His eyes shot open as he flung a hand over his mouth, curling in on himself. He retched, gagged, fighting every fiber of his body and what was left of his soul trying to force him to spit out the bite, and if the sudden burst of laughter from Taako nearby was any indication, his distress was clearly visible.

This, unfortunately, just steeled his resolve- he refused to be made a laughing stock, and no matter how much his body was revolting against him, it would at least bend under that circumstance. John paused, breathed in sharply through his nose, gaining enough composure that he could begin to chew. Very, very slowly. Only enough that he could swallow, forcing it down against his body’s will.

Dropping the rest of the chip, he pushed the plate as far back as possible so he could rest his head in his hands. He could feel a bead of sweat running down his forehead, and even though the offending food was gone down his black hole of a stomach cavity, his body still heaved, trying to toss it back up. 

...Gods above, what just happened?

The taste wasn't the culprit- it was still unremarkable. Too muddled and complicated to make sense of, absolutely, but it wasn't anything to give him that kind of reaction. It felt more like some small part of him understood the horror of what he was eating and took action when it knew he wouldn't. The fact the dish had given him such a violent reaction in the first place… worried him, a little.

Either way, the dish was absolutely disgusting. Just looking at it started filling him with nausea, and as John played back the mentions of similar dishes, feelings of dread washed over him. It was like a dam broke, these really were all awful, what the fuck-

“So, how did you like it?”

John looked up to see Merle’s smiling, expectant face over him, waiting for his verdict.He stared blankly back. Right. Merle. Who made the food.

Merle was so excited, and John's going to break his heart. Fuck. 

“...Merle. You know I love you.” John pointedly ignored the addition of Magnus into the background laughter.

“Mmmhmm.”

“I feel like I don't say that enough, I love and appreciate all you've done for me.”

Merle smiled bashfully, running his hand through his hair. “D’aww, John, you charmer.” Oh gods this is just making it worse.

He breathes in. “I especially appreciate that you were willing to cook for me, as well as the intent. However…” 

He exhales. Might as well rip off the bandaid. “It just wasn't good, Merle. It tasted terrible.” (Or, at least, it probably did. Easier to explain it this way.)

Merle looked between him and the dish, humming and fiddling with a strand of hair. “I knew it.”

John visibly deflated. “I'm sorry, Merle, I-”

“I shoulda added those candied yams.”

...What now?

John blinks slowly. “N- Merle, no, I mean it- it's not really... salvageable.”

Merle gives him a hearty laugh. “You say that now, John, but just wait! The yams really bring it all together.” The dwarf leans down to pick up his plate, giving him a sly wink. “But don't worry- I know you just need to play it up for the youngins. The Dip Blaster’s pretty good even without yams.”

He could feel his eye starting to twitch. “Merle, it tasted like shit. It made me want to puke!”

“Don't give ‘em too much bragging potential, it'll go to their heads.” Merle leans in to briefly kiss John- to the human’s horror, he tastes more of the awful “dip” that Merle must have taste-tested and has to use every ounce of willpower he has to keep from shoving him away. Merle’s smiling when he pulls back. “We can finish this tomorrow, just the two of us. Alone.” 

Another wink, and Merle's disappeared back into the kitchen with the plate of hell. John's face is burning, and he can't tell if it's from embarrassment, Merle's affection, or food poisoning setting in early. Maybe all three.

Everything is compounded as Taako sidles up to the table with Magnus behind him. 

“Well, you swallowed it, so frankly I'm still impressed,” Taako says, “But you gagged so bad I'm surprised you didn't spit it back into Merle's face. So, no hat eating.”

“Fine by me,” John grumbles, rubbing his forehead.

Magnus moves up to his other side. “I, uh, appreciate you trying to tell Merle he did a shit job, but, it won't work.” He sighs. “Trust me, we've tried.”

John blinks. “Really?”

Taako, now. “Yeah dude, he made that fuckin’ dish the first and last time we let him cook on the Starblaster. Named it after the ship and everything. Lucretia and Davenport got food poisoning from being the only ones willing to try that shit.”

....Huh.

Magnus gently claps him on the back, though the force is still enough to make him grunt. “You take care of yourself for a bit and come in when you're ready. Don't, uh, go too fast. It can take you off guard.”

And with that, the two disappear back into the now aired-out kitchen, leaving John to stew in his own humiliation and mild nausea as he debates if this is how the creator means to punish him for his misdeeds.

\--

Taako and Magnus went home a while after dusk, leaving John and Merle to clean up the aftermath. Furniture was put back in place, the kitchen was cleaned up (with little help from John as just being in the room made him gag), and things like books and playing cards were put back in their place. John, exhausted from the events of the day, was first to crawl into bed, though he was followed by Merle once the dwarf had changed into his minimal pajamas. The two curl up together, Merle's head resting against John's chest as he flips through a book he'd been reading, leaving John to his own thoughts.

He looks back on the events of the day, lingering on the awful food he had to eat, and Merle's blatant obliviousness to how bad it was. Maybe it really was a case of differing tastes, or Merle just being that clueless, but something about it didn't sit right with him. He could get him to see reason. No matter what Magnus and Taako said, he had to try. Right?

John hesitated, before finally tapping Merle on the shoulder. “Merle?”

“Mm?” His response sounded sleepy enough that John debated leaving the subject for tomorrow. He didn't want to disturb him, honestly. But… no, he couldn't leave it. He had to say something while the bad experience was still fresh in his mind, lest he cave and try an even worse dish at Merle's insistence.

Absentmindedly, John runs his fingers through Merle's hair. An attempt to help soften the potential blow for the dwarf, and not to calm his own nerves, he insists to himself. “About the, uh... dish that you made me.”

Merle seemed unworried, smiling softly and leaning into the touch. “Mmhmm, what about it?”

He breathed in, and exhaled slowly. “It- it wasn't me playing up for the others. It… really was terrible.”

Merle's eyes slowly closed, smile not leaving his face. “Yeah, I know.”

...What.

John pauses, stunned. This seems enough to get Merle to reopen his eyes, looking up at him with a slightly confused look to mirror John's own. “...Why’re you looking at me like that?”

A few seconds pass, and John realizes he hasn't answered him. He clears his throat quickly. “I, uh- you- you knew?”

“‘Course I knew, you really think I didn't?” He chuckles, adjusting so he can better look at John. “All of it is terrible by regular standards, sure. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy it, even if others think it's garbage. But the rest of ‘em won't shut up about how bad they say it is. ‘Blah blah, Merle can't cook worth a damn!’ Buncha dicks.”

Amidst the confusion and dawning realization, John feels threads of worry and guilt. Had he been hurting Merle without realizing it?

It seems like his feelings are a little too on display, as Merle takes notice. “Hey, don't worry, it only bugs me from them, really. Besides-” He scoots up along the bed until he can peck John on the cheek. “-You actually gave my food a try. And tried to let me down easy. Guess those categories of people tend to overlap a lot.” 

John rubs his cheek, blushing just a bit. He still had a few hangups about the whole thing. Like why his significant other willingly let him eat food he knew was shitty. But, he guessed that could wait. “...So, why the ruse?”

Merle’s face brightened. “Kicks, mostly. It's fun watching ‘em flounder to try and come up with reasons they don't want my food, or to try and get me to understand it's bad.” He snorts, smile widening. “Even better’s when someone who knows the ruse declines the offer and the rest get to watch me nod ‘n pass ‘em by. The first time after I told Luc ‘n Dav they happily directed me over to Barry and Magnus. Never seen ‘em squirm so much before!”

That… made sense, actually. Huh.

Seemingly satisfied, Merle snuggled back into John's side. “By the way, I can cook. Not as good as the twins, mind you, but I'm not completely hopeless. Mavis ‘n Mookie say I make some mean pancakes.”

John can't help but snort. “Ketchup pancakes?”

From his position, the dwarf can't quite punch John in the arm, but he sure as hell tries. He's left with an awkward, half-hearted swing, but it's the thought that counts. “No, you dick! Blueberry. An’ if you're lucky, I'll make you some tomorrow, free of charge.”

John sits up, leaning over to plant a kiss on top of Merle’s head before settling back down. He can absolutely fake enjoying some pancakes. “I'd love to try them. As long as I can brag to Taako and Magnus that I was able to keep down your food this time.”

“Absolutely.”


End file.
